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04 March 2010 @ 02:27 pm
The cover letter I *wanted* to write when I was jobhunting.  
Greetings, Maker of Company Decisions!

I see from your recent Craigslist ad that you are looking to hire an office worker. While almost anyone could perform the duties expected of your average entry-level administrative person, I would like to present you with an alternative proposal.

My name is Typsie O'Malley, and I am a local actress who will accurately portray an office worker for 40 hours a week in a location of your choosing. I have trained for over a decade with experienced actors in learning all the finer points of recreating office culture: the language, mannerisms, routines, etc.

You may be asking yourself, why an actress? Why not just hire Jim or Susan, regular office workers? The answer, my friend, is enhanced substance. Jim and Susan may serve you dutifully, but they will never feel obligated to amuse you. They will volunteer too much - or too little - of their personal lives. You won't care what they have to say, and you will grow weary of feigning interest in their mundane lives. You will realize, years down the road, possibly while intoxicated at the company Christmas party, that Jim and Susan have become, to you, less than human.

And that's where I come in. When you find your to-do list getting a little thin, you can count on me to provide entertainment until you are called back to your duties. I will create a character - tentatively named Typsie O'Malley, but I am flexible with naming - with a rich backstory full of hopes and dreams, love lost, childhood misfortunes, inner turmoil, epic travel through time and space, and unexpected victories. You can get to know me without ever having to deal with the messy business of getting to know me. My many years of practice at improvisation have allowed me to carry on whole conversations, completely off the cuff, while staying in character.

Moreover, I can easily adapt my "story" to suit your tastes, whether your preference be comedy, tragedy, romance, science-fiction, or political drama. As an added bonus, you will get to see my character's story unfold before you. The longer you keep me on your payroll, the more of the plot you will get to see played out. If you like, at the end of each day, I can give a summary of the day's events and a preview of what might happen tomorrow.

My portrayal will be realistic down to the last detail, including actually performing any clerical tasks you may need me to complete. I have practiced duties such as typing, filing, and computer work, so as to maximize the quality of my performance. Not only this, but I will complete these tasks while remaining in character the entire time! My presentation will be so authentic that you may even forget I am an actress. Whether your company is large or small, no matter what the industry, I can fulfill your need for a resident office actress.

I understand my proposition is unusual, but I assure you that it is entirely sincere - or at least that I'm acting that way in a convincing manner. As you review the approximately 15,000 applicants for this position, ask yourself: do I want a robot, or do I want an artist?

I encourage you to think outside the box (unless you hate that phrase) and consider my services.

Mostly Sincerely,

Pantsman!captainwhimsy on March 4th, 2010 10:32 pm (UTC)
Ha ha!
That's awesome, and so worth putting in a cover letter.
Jessraindancer_jess on March 4th, 2010 10:47 pm (UTC)
I would call you for an interview! Plus, any company that called would probably be a great place to work.
praenomenalpraenomenal on March 4th, 2010 11:02 pm (UTC)
This is so win
Mark Jondahlixzist on March 4th, 2010 11:03 pm (UTC)
It just might work. Most employers are looking for someone that stands out, right?
the beatnik pagan poetbeatnikbetty on March 4th, 2010 11:05 pm (UTC)
I <3 the hell out of that. :)
Sarahskeets on March 4th, 2010 11:17 pm (UTC)
Bellybellybalt on March 4th, 2010 11:24 pm (UTC)
Awesome, but I still miss Herbert Manjam....
typsietypsie on March 4th, 2010 11:26 pm (UTC)
Yeah, we'll resurrect him someday. :D
God of Thunder and Rock'n'Rollarchmage on March 4th, 2010 11:33 pm (UTC)
Hell, i'd have sent it.
On se niin väärin!aprilstarchild on March 5th, 2010 01:27 am (UTC)
Oh my god.

Please please please post this to craigslist.
Crowley St. Bastarddaemonwise on March 5th, 2010 02:35 am (UTC)
Crowley St. Bastarddaemonwise on March 5th, 2010 02:37 am (UTC)
Absofrigginlutely awesome! In every way.
dodecaloguedodecalogue on March 5th, 2010 03:24 am (UTC)
So awesome. I almost made a DVD of myself chopping up vegetables with exciting backing music, for a prep cook job.. but, well, didn't. It does really make sense to pursue these things, though, because it will make for an ideal fit eventually.

I got to pitch my "Hotel Front Desk Clerk" routine to a couple of actors from the Pirates of the Carribean when they stayed at my hotel. Not to boast, but I think they were impressed.
Parental Advisory: Explicit Contentrfc on March 5th, 2010 03:33 am (UTC)
This is absolutely fantastic. Delete that last sentence, and use this as an actual cover letter. Please.
browse: blotbrowse on March 5th, 2010 04:47 am (UTC)
I would hire you so hard!
Magn0liamagn0lia on March 5th, 2010 04:00 pm (UTC)
This is beautiful!
auranja on March 7th, 2010 05:26 pm (UTC)
this is hilarious and heart-breaking.
Wileypeterwileypeter on September 8th, 2010 04:55 am (UTC)