New icon, photo by bellybalt.

saofoir, bloodred37, praenomenal, herince_emyn, matrixleap, bellybalt, and me.

Sorry for emo-post last night. While everything I said was honest, I go back and forth between freaking out about the future and kind of being okay with whatever comes next, and last night was the extreme low point. Right now I am doing better, head above water and all.

I'm finding it goes back to those 6 lessons I posted a few days ago. The only time things seem really terrifying is when I don't focus hard enough on upholding those 6 things. I get overwhelmed by fear, bitterness, anger, frustration - none of which are conducive to finding positive resolutions to all of the plot threads currently unravelling. Piling negativity upon uncertainty leads to nothing good.

I prayed last night, for the first time in maybe 15 years. Things got so dark when I found myself laying awake and crying at 3am, and I had no idea where else to turn. It wasn't to any particular god or spirit, just to the positive healing forces of the universe, to please help me and all my loved ones get through this and come out stronger and happier.

I hope things get less bipolar from here on out, but knowing the nature of life, they probably won't for a while. But I will try to have faith, and you should too, my friends.


Keep a light on those you love
They will be there when you die
Baby, there's no need to fear
Baby, there's no need to cry

Every little piece of your life will add up to one
Every little piece of your life will mean something to someone

You fused my broken bones back together again
Lift the weight of the world from my shoulders again

You touch my face, God whispers in my ear
There are tears in my eyes

Love replaces fear

My friend lowdivejenny posted this and it rings true with a lot of experiences I've had in the past. I kind of wish I'd read this when I was 16 or so.

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"First of all, love is a joint experience between two persons — but the fact that it is a joint experience does not mean that it is a similar experience to the two people involved. There are the lover and the beloved, but these two come from different countries. Often the beloved is only a stimulus for all the stored-up love which had lain quiet within the lover for a long time hitherto. And somehow every lover knows this. He feels in his soul that his love is a solitary thing. He comes to know a new, strange loneliness and it is this knowledge which makes him suffer. So there is only one thing for the lover to do. He must house his love within himself as best he can; he must create for himself a whole new inward world — a world intense and strange, complete in himself. Let it be added here that this lover about whom we speak need not necessarily be a young man saving for a wedding ring — this lover can be man, woman, child, or indeed any human creature on this earth.

Now, the beloved can also be of any description. The most outlandish people can be the stimulus for love. A man may be a doddering great-grandfather and still love only a strange girl he saw in the streets of Cheehaw one afternoon two decades past. The preacher may love a fallen woman. The beloved may be treacherous, greasy-headed, and given to evil habits. Yes, and the lover may see this as clearly as anyone else — but that does not affect the evolution of his love one whit. A most mediocre person can be the object of a love which is wild, extravagant, and beautiful as the poison lilies of the swamp. A good man may be the stimulus for a love both violent and debased, or a jabbering madman may bring about in the soul of someone a tender and simple idyll. Therefore, the value and quality of any love is determined solely by the lover himself.

It is for this reason that most of us would rather love than be loved. Almost everyone wants to be the lover. And the curt truth is that, in a deep secret way, the state of being beloved is intolerable to many. The beloved fears and hates the lover, and with the best of reasons. For the lover is forever trying to strip bare his beloved. The lover craves any possible relation with the beloved, even if this experience can cause him only pain.”

Carson McCullers "The Ballad of the Sad Cafe"

Also, I just have to say:

Damn, it feels good to finally be able to be honest about everything. I no longer feel tethered and weighed down by my secrets. Although I feel sort of silly that I spent a month worrying what would happen when they came to light, when in the end it was fine. Everything was just fine. One more lesson learned.

It's neato learning new things about old friends.

It's neato being on the opposite end of the argument than you always have been before, and realizing you totally mean it.

It's neato getting your back rubbed after 42 days of tension.

It's neato knowing such awesome, tormented, fascinating people.

It's neato knowing that maybe you can teach them things, and maybe they can teach you things.

It's neato thinking of lists of things that are neato, which you can repeat to yourself while not-so-neato stuff is happening all around you.

Dear Kat,

Deep breaths, be strong.

You're through the worst of it.

And regardless of what comes next, just keep working on yourself. You're worth it. That's the most important lesson you will take from this.

Love,
Kat

Long important post coming tomorrow. Right now, head swirly. May need to call in.

I bet you haven't seen either of them!





This is probably the last I'll say about it.

I was actually a pretty big fan when I was 11 or 12, right about when Dangerous came out. I preferred his 'darker' stuff (even though it was all pop at heart): Dirty Diana, Who Is It, Give In To Me, etc. Also, I always thought Human Nature was a really underrated tune.

Dayumn, Glo's post is almost to 500 comments. It's funny, too, because there are really only 5 or 6 people who are anti-transit-boobs, they're just really LOUD about it. Most people are supportive in some way. So that's awesome.

Goodfoot tomorrow. Come with me. I want to dance so badly that I'm literally vibrating. I'm going to seek out some good dance nights during the week. Two days a week isn't cutting it anymore. I don't even really care what kind of music it is, as long as it's not Top 40 crap or country.

Also, new icon stolen from some DPer.

Lonely little love dog
That no one knows the name of
I know why you cry out
Desperate and devout

Timid little teether
Your eyes set on the ether
Your moon in Bella Luna
And howling hallelujah

Nameless you above me
Come lay me low and love me
This lonely little love dog
That no one knows the name of

Curse me out in free verse
Wrap me up and reverse this
Patience is a virtue
Until its silence burns you

And something slow
Has started in me
As shameless as an ocean
Mirrored in devotion

Something slow
Has sparked up in me
As dog cries for a master
Sparks are whirling faster

Lonely little love dog
That no one knows the ways of
Where the land is low is
Where the bones'll show through

Lonely little love dog
That no one knows the days of
Where the land is low is
Where the water flows to
And holds you

These were taken by bellybalt.






Look how wee I am!

New icon made from picture posted earlier. It's orange and trippy. I like.

Oh wow, matrixleap unearthed this forgotten picture he took at my Rockstar Birthday last year.



Sometime I want to collect all the pictures of how many different colors and styles Lacey's hair has been in the last couple years, that would be neat. :D

Cathedral Park, 6/23/09
Picture by matrixleap

More to follow.

Hey Fresno people, remember the cat we used to have at the Tower house- Onyx, aka The Kitten?

We gave her to some very nice people when we moved, but they got a dog and things didn't work out. If anyone's looking for a nice kitteh (and doesn't have a dog), I highly recommend her. She's about 4 years old. Very sweet, well-behaved, and a total affection whore. She's spayed and has all her shots, etc.



http://fresno.craigslist.org/pet/1234141330.html